Learning How to Live
by utopia1101
Summary: Eyes Turned Skyward from EPOV. Would recommend reading ETS first, but this could probably stand alone. M for lemons and language. OOC. Canon pairings.
1. Chapter 1

"_While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die." –Leonardo da Vinci_

**Chapter One**

The platitudes say that life is unfair. That misery loves company. That it is better to have loved and lost. That the truth will set you free. These platitudes may adequately sum up the human condition, but they do nothing for death. They do nothing for the undead. I am both. And I require answers.

I am both dead and undead, one with nature and an abomination against it. I lived my life until I was seventeen, and then my life was taken from me, a new one established in its place. This was done without my permission, without my express consent, and I have spent every day since that fateful one lamenting my fate. Because as a seventeen-year-old boy, there was an end in sight. My life had run its arc. It was my time. And now, as a 107-year-old being, there is no end. There was no beginning. I am forever trapped in the middle. And I desire nothing more than a way out.

I cannot blame Carlisle for turning me. I was the first in our family that he turned. I would not be the last. On her death bed, my mother had begged the man to save me, to do whatever he could for me, and, when my condition worsened shortly after hers, Carlisle fulfilled his promise to her. He did what he thought was right. I respect him for that. But I lament my existence. For I should not be here. It is not natural.

The voices were there from the beginning. I cannot remember if they had been there when I was human, but I can remember them from the moment I was turned. Some were whispers, some shouts, some screams. I had been terrified. I had lashed out. I had blamed Carlisle, attacked him, accused him of driving me mad. Because the voices wouldn't stop. Wherever I went, they followed. I tried everything. In more desperate moments, I attempted to kill myself, but death does not come easily to the undead. And all the while Carlisle would be there, trying to comfort me, trying to offer me his strength. It took me months to accept my fate, and years to accept my curse, my gift. But Carlisle was always there.

Carlisle was an attentive companion. He taught me self-control and self-reliance. He gave me hobbies and projects, things to occupy my time, to distract myself from the constant thirst that plagued my existence. He taught me not to feed on humans. He taught me to be patient with them, to hide who I was, to stay away. The hypocrisy in the last lesson was tangible, as Carlisle was a practicing doctor who interacted with humans on a daily basis. Still, he had more practice than me. He could handle the temptation. I could not.

Most importantly, Carlisle helped me with my gift. He helped me isolate the voices, concentrate on what I was hearing. It was only then that I recognized _his_ voice in my mind, and it was through this realization that we established that I was not insane but, rather, able to read thoughts. Though he tried to hide his feelings from me, Carlisle was delighted. He reveled in my gift. It made life safer for us, easier, knowing when people were suspicious, knowing how my actions affected others, and I could not blame him for valuing it. Still, it was a burden, and a heavy one at that. Though I have grown used to it over the decades, I still miss the time before this one… the time when I was human… the time when I had peace.

The rest of my family was assembled in an odd fashion. Carlisle found Esme, broken and dying, and turned her as he'd turned me years before. Together they found love. I went a way for a while after they got together. I did not wish to intrude on their happiness. They were so taken with each other, so devoted, so assured, and I could not be around that. I had never had those feelings before. It was intangible to me.

After Esme came Rosalie. Carlisle admitted to me later that he had hoped that Rosalie would be my companion as Esme was his, but I could hear her thoughts, I could see her soul, and I knew that we would never be together in that way. I grew to love Rosalie over time, but as a sister, not a lover. And then Rosalie found Emmett, and I went away again. It was not so much that I resented my family for the love they found in others. It was just that I didn't understand it. I didn't care to witness it every day. And being on my own meant that I could quiet my brain, listen to _myself_ for once rather than those around me. I would travel to Africa, to Russia, to South America. I would get lost in mountains and feed on wild animals and climb to the tops of trees to watch the sunset. It pained me to return to my family after those bouts of solitude, but I always would, for they loved me, and I loved them. I had no desire to hurt them in that way.

When Alice found us, my life changed, for I had finally found a friend. Alice had a gift not unlike my own, and so she understood me and I her. She had visions of the future, of things to come, and though they were mercurial at best, she was still subject to forces outside of her control, and so we practiced honing our skills together. The day that Alice saw Jasper was the last day that I left my family. I had seen their connection, their love, their elation. I had felt it as Alice felt it, had watched her dance out the door to seek out her perfect match. I could not handle that. I could not go through it again. For my true friend had found another, and I needed time to mourn the shift in our relationship. I had not loved Alice in that way, but I had grown to lean on her, depend on her presence, her cheer, her way of life. And she had fallen in love. It would seem that everyone falls in love but me.

**A/N: There you go. EPOV. This will follow the events of Eyes Turned Skyward, but not blow for blow. Besides, as so many of you have pointed out to me, you don't get much Edward/Bella interaction in ETS. **

**Thanks to Hannah for getting this back to me so quickly. **

**What'd you think? I've never written for Edward before. Do your worst…**

**Hit the green button! Hit the green button!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So, I'm moving in a week or so, and seriously need to pack... so, of course, I'm writing instead. Honestly, when the semester starts back up at the end of August, you, dear reader, will be flooded with chapter updates. Until then, you have to wait until I'm procrastinating something... and, this evening, you're in luck. I suffer from a chronic and acute lack of motivation when it comes to practical responsibilities... in case you couldn't tell.**

**I'm going to pimp the sequel to Eyes Turned Skyward now. It's called For There You Have Been, and I've updated three times in two days, so you should go read it. After you read and review this, of course. And, final warning, if you have NOT read Eyes Turned Skyward, I would stop what you're doing and go take a look before continuing. The first chapter of this story was vague enough to work, but we're getting into plot now and I'm not going to reiterate everything that happened in ETS from Edward's point of view. The story progresses differently than Twilight, and your ass will get hella lost if you don't go read ETS first. That's it. Last warning. Still wanna keep going? Fine, but I hate to say I told you so.**

**I don't own this. If I did, I could hire movers to pack **_**for**_** me.**

**Chapter Two**

My life, for lack of a better word, changed the day we moved to Forks, Washington. We had been going through a rough patch as a family, and Carlisle had always been fond of the area, so we made a pact to live together again and play the "high-school game," as Emmett loved to call it.

We each had our roles. Carlisle was the hard-working-yet-caring father. Esme was the ever-doting-yet-strict mother. Emmett, Rose, Jasper, Alice and I would enter in the same grade and try to blend in. In the past, we would play the game more frequently. In the past, when we had first come together, it had been more fun. We'd make bets on who could get away with the most. We'd stage little public fights, the more angst-ridden the better, generally over sibling rivalry or vanity or other such petty nonsense. We were reckless and it was alright because between my ability to listen in on the thoughts of those around us and Alice's ability to see danger coming, we could always run away if there was a problem.

But after a decade or so, the game grew tiresome. We kept it up, mostly for Carlisle and Esme's sake. They wanted so desperately for us to be happy, to exist as a unit. They wanted for us to be a true family. And it just wasn't possible anymore. Not in the way they wanted. We had all led different lives. We had all come from different times. We had all come from different people and places and circumstances. Our common bond was one of calculation and circumstance. We relied upon each other, we loved each other, but we were not a "flesh and blood" family. My "siblings" had paired off, found their mates, bonded with another, and they had no inherent need to rely upon the group for emotional support. They had no inherent need outside of their individual relationships. Our togetherness as a family was for comfort alone. For back-up. For varied conversation and shared experiences. As much as Carlisle hated the term, we were, in fact, a coven.

We had splintered off again. Each couple had gone away on their own, and I was left with five years of blissful solitude. When I got lonely, I would visit the Denali clan in Alaska, our "cousins" as Carlisle loves to call them. Their unit consists of five vampires, with only two paired off, so it was comfortable being with them, being with others who had not sought out or found the trappings of a permanent relationship. In an existence as closed-off as mine, I would not go so far as to call them friends, but they are closer than most outside of my family to me, and have always been more than happy to lend an ear to my troubles or provide more physical means of comfort when my baser needs have arisen.

It was Esme's supplications that brought us back together, her need to see her "children" reunited as a family once more. Her maternal instincts had presented themselves with a vengeance, and we had each spent enough time on our own that it would have been callous not to submit to her wishes. And so Carlisle chose Forks. The five of us, for Alice and Jasper had not yet joined the family, had lived a few miles outside of Forks nearly 80 years ago in Hoquiam, and Esme had fond memories. Carlisle felt Forks would be as close as we could get without pushing it too far. As immortal beings, it was necessary that we not frequent the same places too often throughout time. Such are the drawbacks of endless life.

Esme had our home constructed on the outskirts of town, and Jasper bribed all the right people so that the house was built without a great deal of local attention drawn to it. Outside contractors were used, outside architects. We added security measures that the locals need not know about. She furnished everything but our individual rooms, though I gave her full control of my own, and before long we had moved in. It was the day we arrived in Forks that Alice first saw her, and she had been so startled by the vision that I managed a glimpse of her, too.

We were hunting for the first time near our house, acclimating ourselves with the land and it's wildlife. It was just Alice and I, laughing and talking as though we hadn't been parted for half a decade. I was happy then, or content, at least, teasing her about a squabble between her and Rosalie when she froze. She stood stock still and her eyelids began to flutter almost imperceptibly. That is the way Alice always reacts when visions come to her unbidden, when they arrive without being sought after, and initially I wasn't surprised. Initially I didn't even react except to stop talking and concentrate on her mind, curiously seeking out the vision that was so unexpectedly playing out before her. And, for a moment or so, it was nothing special. Just a meadow. A beautiful meadow, but common nonetheless. Green light filtered down through the thick canopy of trees that surrounded it, the ground covered in tall grasses with the occasional wildflower struggling its way up through the tangle of blades. It was lovely really. But just a meadow. Until someone entered it. And then my world changed.

It was a girl. No, a woman. She was too beautiful to be thought of as merely a "girl." Too lovely. Too charming. Too exquisite. The simple reflection of her future existence made me hold my breath, worried that if I made a sound the vision would vanish before I could understand her. She had long, thick chestnut hair that tumbled down her back in a tangle silky of curls and waves. It was unruly and regal and made my fingers twitch with longing to touch it. And her face. I could only see her in profile at first, but then she turned as she neared the center of the clearing and I became dizzy as the fullness of her perfection hit me. She was an angel. She was a goddess.

Her skin was pale, made even more so by the light, but her cheeks were flushed and her lips were such a beautiful, dusty pink. Her eyes were dark chocolate, deep and brilliant, framed by long, thick lashes, and as a tangle of hair fell into her face I found myself reaching out to move it aside, forgetting that this was simply a vision of the future before me and not the real thing. I dropped my arm as I realized the folly of my action, and felt an ache in my chest where my heart used to beat. And what happened next... the ache intensified a hundred fold. Because another figure entered the meadow then. It approached from behind her, slowly, stealthily, quietly, and she was not aware of its presence. I wanted to call out to her, to warn her that someone was there, and had to bite the words back before the left my lips. She was so beautiful, so innocent. I needed to protect her from whoever this was. I needed to keep her safe. My goddess. My affirmation.

The figure grew nearer, and the light broke through the trees, making the face of the intruder plainly visible. Alice flinched next to me, her hand seeking out mine, squeezing it hard, offering me comfort, strength, support. It was me. I was in the meadow. I was the intruder. And lord no but I kept walking towards the angel. I was three feet away. Then two. Then one. And then I was upon her. And then, please no, I wrapped my arms around her waist, drawing her back into my chest. And, please make this stop, she sighed and complied with my action, tilting her neck ever so slightly so that her beautiful head rested back against my shoulder, closing her enchanting eyes and biting her lip as she purred a contented sigh. And then, please help her, I was lowering my mouth to her smooth neck, eyes hooded, a low growl emanating from my chest. My lips connected with her skin. Her eyes flew open. And it ended.

I dropped to my knees. Dropped to my knees and brought my hands to my face and tried to will it away. My fingers found my hair and pulled, trying to make it stop, trying to make it so it had never happened. All I could hear was her beautiful sigh, the sound of sheer happiness, total joy incarnate, but then my mouth was there. And with my mouth comes my fangs. And she was so happy and so perfect and I... Oh god.

And then Alice was beside me, wrapping her arms around me and telling me it was alright. Telling me it didn't have to happen. Telling me that it was just a possibility. And I couldn't listen to her. I couldn't understand what she was saying because all I could see before me was chestnut hair and chocolate eyes. All I could see was blushing cheeks across alabaster skin. All I could see was those pink lips as she reacted to my touch. And she was so beautiful. And I killed her. I _killed_ her.

"When, Alice? Who was she? Where does this happen? This can't _happen_?"

And if I could have cried my face would have been damp with tears. They would have soaked my truest friend's shirt as she held me. They would have been a physical manifestation of the guilt that tore through my body. Of my anguish. Of my hatred. But the dead can't cry. And so my pain stayed trapped within me, growing and growing until I could feel nothing but rage, nothing but indignation. Because I shouldn't have seen such a thing. I shouldn't have been shown such a creature only to see her destroyed moments later at my own hands, by my own venom. I shouldn't have known she existed. But this girl, this woman, this goddess, this angel, this siren... she would always be there now. And I'd known what I'd done to her, what I would do. And, god, this isn't fair.

"I don't know, Edward. I don't know."

And, from her voice, I could tell that she would have been crying, too. And I felt worse.

"I can't hurt her. She's so beautiful. God, Alice, she's so beautiful. Please, you can't let me hurt her."

"I know what she looks like, Edward. I know what she looks like now and I'll watch for her. I promise you, I'll watch for her and I won't let you hurt her. We'll protect her. And I'll protect you. I promise, Edward. I promise."

**A/N: After re-writing this for weeks I'm kind of pissed. This hasn't been edited, cause I'm hyper or lazy or something, and when it is I'll update it, but I hope it reads alright. **

**So... yeah. Didn't get too many reviews last time. It made me sad. If you review, I'll update faster. And I'll be a better person. Help old ladies across the street and rescue kittens from trees and whatnot. So, you should review. For the good of society. And the world as a whole.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I move in three days. Nothing has been packed yet. Guess what I'm doing instead of packing?**

**A thanks, as ever, to Hannah, and... insert standard disclaimer here. I'm too tired to do it myself.**

**Chapter Three**

August found us enrolled in Forks High, playing our high school game as though we'd never stopped, but with one notable exception. Well, two, really. Alice and I enrolled as sophomores while the rest of our "siblings" enrolled as juniors. We had never done that before. Ever. We were _always_ in the same grade. It made us more comfortable knowing that we were all together, we could help each other if needed. It meant that we always had a family member in class with us. We were never on our own. It fueled our codependency. But this time something had changed.

It had been at Alice's insistence that we enroll this way. It had been Alice who had sprung this on us when we were ordering our documents, the papers we would need to enroll in a public school, birth certificates and social security cards and drivers licenses. Things that made us look 16 and 17 rather than centuries old.

"Edward and I are going to be sophomores," Alice had said simply on that day, her determined expression daring the rest of us to question her decision.

"Alice, you know Emmett can't pass for a sophomore. What are you going on about?" Rosalie had asked, flipping her blonde hair back in annoyance.

"I didn't say anything about Emmett. Or you, Rose. Or Jasper," on saying her mate's name she sent him an apologetic smile and a shrug. "Just Edward and I. The rest of you will enroll as juniors."

"But, Alice," Jasper had protested quietly, his eyes full of concern. He was the newest to our lifestyle and his self-control around humans wasn't as easy for him yet. He was safe enough with us around or, rather, humans were safe enough from him with us around, but it was still a cause for constant worry. And he didn't like being separated from Alice regardless.

"I'm sorry, Jas, but this is the way it's going to be. This is the way it needs to be here. Trust me."

She tapped her head a couple of times with a wink and a smile and, while Jasper still looked unhappy with the situation, he reluctantly nodded his head. With a good deal of grumbling, Rosalie and Emmett gave their consent as well. We had reached an accord. We would split up for the first time ever. All because of Alice's vision.

A vision she would tell me nothing about, by the way. No matter how many times I approached her after that discussion, how many times I questioned her motives, asked her to explain why we were separating ourselves from our family, why it had to be me and her, what was going on, she refused to answer beyond two words.

"It's necessary."

That's all. She wouldn't give me anything else. And she blocked her mind from me. She'd recite poetry in her head. She'd sing Christmas songs. She'd picture Jasper naked. Anything to get me out of her mind. It was obnoxious. I don't like not knowing.

And I didn't know _anything_. After her vision of that girl in the meadow, she never spoke of her to me again. She never saw her, to the best of my knowledge. When I would ask her to seek her out, she would tell me it was impossible. That we must have changed the future already. That she was clearly safe and I should stop worrying about it. That we couldn't be sure about what we'd seen. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was nobody. Maybe she was wrong.

But it was all I could think about. If I was capable of sleeping, I would have had dreams of the mystery girl every night. I would have had nightmares of taking her life. Her body cold and lifeless after I'd drained her blood. Her beautiful eyes bereft of their spark, staring out into nothing. Dead.

She followed me everywhere. Her face. Her body. Her hair. It was all around me, encompassing everything I did. She was in every decision, every argument, every word that came from my lips. She was haunting me. She was my own personal ghost. My shadow. And Alice was hiding something.

She still had visions of her. I knew she did. She would get that far-off look and then _block_ the images. She would halt the vision. She would see something and then stop. Just like that. It was something I'd never realized she could do before. And, after questioning my family about it, it appeared that she was only behaving so oddly in my presence. She didn't want me to see what she was seeing anymore. And the girl in the meadow had to be the reason. She _had_ to be.

When we started school, we didn't share any classes. I was on my own. And I found myself looking for my ghost everywhere. Every head of brown hair in the hallways was given extra attention, careful scrutiny. I dove into everyone's minds with abandon, trying to find her, trying to seek her out. In the beginning, I was alright with all of the extra attention, all of the female flattery and the male envy that was sent my way, because it gave me license to rifle through minds, to search memories, to try to find her. But she was nowhere. And the search grew stale.

My family always garners special attention with the human world. We are supernatural in our senses and abilities, but we are also superhuman in our appearance. Any physical attributes we held before the change were magnified by the venom in our bodies. Our appearances were enhanced. It's a common predatory trait. The best predators in nature are physically striking. They're designed to draw in their prey, to entice attention, and the undead are no different. We are designed to be attractive to humans. And we are.

This is one of the reasons we always stuck together in school. Teenage girls and boys can be... tenacious. They have little instinct for self-preservation. Where some fantasize, most jump in. I, along with Emmett, was flirted with by nearly two-thirds of the female student population at Forks High during the first week. A great deal of the female faculty harbored some... less than towards... thoughts pertaining to myself and my brothers as well. It is a fact of our life, a tiresome inevitability, and it was made even more difficult by the fact that I was segregated from the rest of my family. Without another male sibling in my year, I was the sole focus of the female sophomore class. And the freshman class, for that matter. It gets very old very quickly. But there's nothing to be done about it.

The school year wore on. There was much gossip about my family in the beginning, spurred on by our inherent lack of interest in actively mingling with the student body. Aside from occasional trips to the local grocer's and sporting goods store, my family did not appear in public very often. There was a great deal of whispering about the young doctor and his adopted family, a great deal of speculation about my siblings and their relationships with each other. When it became known that Emmett and Rosalie were a couple, the whispering got louder. When Alice and Jasper outed themselves as well, people no longer bothered to whisper. And I became the martyr. The one "normal" one in a family of freaks. For some reason, girls found my lack of romantic attachment to be endearing and, after a few blissful months of only minor attentions, they flung themselves upon me once more full force. I was harassed about dances, movies, dinners, study groups, sporting events... it never ended. My siblings found this hilarious. I longed for my solitude.

It was the following Christmas that I caught a glimpse of the girl in Alice's mind again. We were hunting again, on our own, bickering about whether or not I was obligated to attend the junior prom, when her face went slack and she stared off into the distance. And I saw.

Oh, God, did I see.

She wasn't in the meadow anymore. She was in a small room, a bedroom, with lavender walls and a small sash window in the corner. Her chestnut hair was piled on top of her head in a messy sort of bun, with small tendrils of curls escaping on all sides, framing her face. And what a face. It was more beautiful than I had remembered. Pale and smooth and innocently beautiful. She was sitting on a bed, her chocolate eyes directed at the floor, and I watched as she pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them, looking as though she was trying to hold herself together. When her warm eyes filled with tears, when her head dropped dejectedly to her knees, the vision faded. She was gone.

I turned to Alice, and she looked back at me, her face carefully devoid of expression.

"Alice," I began, but she cut me off before the questions could come.

"I haven't been honest with you, Edward. I haven't told you all that I know. And I am sorry to say that there are still things that I will not tell you. Not right now."

Her posture drooped and her eyes softened with regret, but her expression was resolute. She would not bend.

"What _will_ you tell me, Alice?"

"I will tell you that she is coming. She is moving here, to Forks. And for that you must prepare yourself."

I froze.

She's coming. She's coming here.

But she can't.

I'll kill her.

She's not safe from me. From what I am. She'll get hurt. She'll die. I _saw_ it.I _saw_...

"No," I spat, shaking my head furiously, raking my fingers through my hair.

"Yes, Edward."

"But--"

"I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but the timetable was not clear until now. I have seen that room before. I have seen her in it. Did you look out the window? Did you see where it was? It was _here_. And the light outside, the weather. It will be soon, Edward. I did not know until now, and I should not have let you see, but it took me by surprise. In any event, you need to prepare yourself."

"I'll leave," I whispered, mostly to myself. "I'll go away. I'll go somewhere that I can't hurt her."

I can't hurt her.

I can't hurt her.

"You won't," Alice said firmly, placing a hand on my forearm and forcing me to meet her eyes. "You are not going anywhere."

"But you _saw_," I begged, trying to make her understand. "You saw what I'll do to her. Please, Alice, I can't... I can't do that. You promised me, promised you wouldn't let me hurt her. And if I stay here, she'll die. You _know_ that. Alice, you _know_."

I stared at my "sister," willing her to agree with me, desperate for her to let me go, because I could not leave without her consent. She was too important to me. She was the one who understood me.

She took a deep breath, then another, staring at a point just over my shoulder for a moment, singing a song in her head to keep me out of her thoughts, before moving her eyes to mine and taking my face between her small hands.

"Edward," she began, her voice strong but her face wavering, "I am going to show you something now. Something that I should have showed you months ago. Something that I have kept to myself. But you must promise me something before I do. You must promise to keep an open mind. You must open your heart to what you're about to see. And you must accept it. You must promise me that you will accept it. Because, in one way or another, I have seen it happen at least a dozen times. And, Edward, it _will_ happen."

We stared at each other for a moment, and I tried to work out what she was saying. I tried to catch up, tried to understand the caveat, but all I could think about was that she was going to show me something about the girl, about what would happen. A million bloody images flickered through my mind, and I steeled myself for what I would see. Her death. Her death at my hands. That was the only possibility.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Alice. I will do my best to accept what you show me. I will try. I will try for you," I breathed, terrified about what I would see.

"Not for me, Edward," she replied gently. "For you."

And then she dropped her defenses and I saw.

The girl was in the meadow again, her brown curls framing her face, her eyes full of trust. In spite of myself, I drank in the sight, memorizing every detail, noticing things I hadn't before. She was wearing a long-sleeved white t-shirt and light blue jeans. The clothes fit her snugly, beautifully, like a second skin, and I was struck by the perfection of her form. There was a flannel shirt wrapped around her hips , and when a light breeze ran through the clearing, the bottom of her shirt fluttered a bit, exposing a sliver of the deliciously pale skin underneath.

She was perfection. She was grace and beauty incarnate.

And then I saw my form approach from behind again, and I felt my jaw clench. I felt my fists tense. I felt my body go numb with terror. Because I didn't want to see this again. I didn't want to see her die by my hands. I didn't want to see the life fade in her eyes.

Alice's grip on my face tightened, and I sensed the warning there. I had made her a promise. I would keep it. I kept watching.

I watched as my arms snaked around her beautiful waist. I watched as he body was drawn back against my chest. I watched as she leaned her head back against my shoulder, exposing her neck to me. I heard the growl emerge from my chest, watched as my lips descended upon her...

But the vision didn't stop. It did not stop where it had stopped the last time. And what happened next was... impossible

**A/N: Cliffhanger, much? I know. I'm a horrid bitch. Review if you want to know what happens next... and you so totally know you do...**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is one of the only chapters that has survived through multiple drafts. I hope you enjoy it. I'm going to save my usually long a/n rant till the end.**

**Thanks, as ever, to Hannah. I don't own this.**

**Chapter Four**

"Edward," she whimpered, my name a prayer on her lips. A blessing. A curse.

And I was kissing her, running my lips up and down the smooth column of her neck, drawing her chestnut curls away from the path of my mouth as I moved up to the delicate shell of her ear, grazing the lobe ever so slightly with my teeth.

She was shuddering, moaning beneath me. She was calling my name, begging for me to continue, to take her. Pleading with me not to stop. To never stop.

How could I refuse such an angel?

I lost myself in the vision. Forgot about Alice and myself and the world around us. Forgot about vampires and humans, about the curse of my immortality. Existence fell away and I was left with what was in front of me. So beautiful. So impossible.

I watched the beautiful creature as she leaned into my touch, nuzzling her soft cheek into my hand as I moved a stray curl from her face, spinning to embrace me as my lips finally crashed against hers in a kiss full of passion and need and something else... something I could not understand.

I stared as her mouth moved hungrily against my own, delighting in the small moans that my touch seemed to elicit from her, fascinated as her delicate fingers pulled desperately at the buttons on my shirt, overjoyed by the triumph that overtook her features when she finally divested me of the garment.

And then my hands were running lightly down her ribs, pausing briefly to caress the sides of her breasts before continuing down to the bottom of her shirt, raising it up slowly, crouching before her to greedily taste the pale beauty of her flesh as it was revealed to me.

And all the while she kept moaning my name. All the while she kept caressing me, threading her fingers through my hair, spreading her hands across my chest, running her nails up my back. It was intoxicating. It was so much more than I had ever experienced before. So much more than I had ever imagined.

This angel, this goddess, was allowing me to worship her.

It was too much. I was lost. The possibility of this creature had overtaken me, had consumed my mind and, had I one left, my soul, and I would never be able to let this go. I was a visitor in paradise and I could never go back. The real world held nothing for me. This vision... this would be my new reality. I would stay here.

Somewhere in the back of my consciousness, I felt Alice's fingers tighten against my face once more. A warning. Something was coming.

I didn't care. It didn't matter.

I watched as I ran my hands down the angels back, drawing her towards me, flattening her body against my own. I watched my fingers toy idly with the thin straps of her brassiere as we kissed once more. I watched her moan into my mouth. I watched her draw back, her eyes dark with lust and need and, once more, something else...

She wet her lips, dragging her tongue against the bottom, then top, before parting them to speak.

"I love you," she whispered, her eyes holding mine.

Oh God.

"I love you, Bella. So much," I watched myself say to her, my voice thick with emotion.

Bella. _Bella_. My brain was screaming the name at me, my entire being suddenly electrified at the title.

Her name is _Bella._

This isn't... this isn't real. This can't be real.

"Make love to me, Edward," she implored, bringing her hands to my face, drawing my lips down to meet her own.

This is too much. This is just... just...

Alice seemed to sense my perturbation and promptly withdrew from the vision, gently encouraging me out of her mind with comforting images.

It was over.

I took a deep breath, then another. I tried to force myself back into the real world, into the mundane details of the trees around me, the sun setting in the sky. I tried so hard, listening to the pulse of a deer in the distance, honing in on the texture of the grass beneath my shoes. Anything. Everything. But I couldn't get her out of my mind.

Bella. My angel's name was Bella.

"Edward?" Alice whispered after a few minutes, her tone concerned.

"Just... just leave me, Alice," I replied, unwilling to look at her. Unwilling to look at anything.

"Edward, please," she tried again, reaching towards me with her mind, trying to show me her intentions, her desire to comfort me, to help me.

"I'm fine. It's fine. Just go, Alice. I need to be alone right now. Just go. Just go."

And she left. And I was alone. But it was so much more than that. And yet so much less. I had seen the future through my sister's eyes, seen what could be, impossible as it seemed. I would never be the same. I felt bereft and fulfilled, hopeful and hopeless. My chest ached in a way that had seemed impossible to me only minutes ago. Alice's vision had both built me up and destroyed me. And I would be forever changed.

I sank to the ground next to a tree, threading my fingers through my hair. I couldn't close my eyes. When I closed them, she was there. Her face as she looked up at me with such trust, such devotion. Her voice as she gave me her heart, forever changing mine. Her body, perfection incarnate as it pressed against my own.

How would she feel under my hands? How would she taste? How would she smell? How could she love me? How could she _want_ me?

She was so clearly human. So fragile, so delicate. Her heart had been racing, the vein in her neck pumping faster with every new level of contact. Every caress of my hands. Every brush of my lips.

My hands.

My lips.

My Bella.

I never expected to meet her. I never believed she could be real. I longed for her. I reached for her, examining every mind around me, eyes searching every room I walked into. I thought of nothing but her. Yearned for nothing but her.

My Bella.

And it was just over a year later, just over a year after Alice had showed me what she believed would come to pass that she came to me. She came to me in the thoughts of every student in Forks High, her reflected image beckoning me like a siren's call. Her name followed me through my day, was on the lips of every student, every teacher. The topic of everyone's conversation. A new girl in Forks. A new girl in school.

And her name was Isabella Swan. So lyrical, so innocent, so sweet. So beautiful. Isabella Swan. The Police Chief's daughter. Smiling shyly at the strangers at her table at lunch. Glancing idly about the cafeteria. Looking at us. _Looking at us_.

I couldn't help it. She was right there. I had to know... had to. I reached out, trying to hear her mind, trying to learn her secrets. Trying to know her. Hoping. Wishing...

But there was nothing. Nothing at all.

I tried again. I pushed. I heard her voice as she asked her new friends about us, about the people sitting at my table, about _me_. The voice I had replayed over and over in my mind, and it was only a few tables away. The most beautiful voice. The most beautiful girl.

I focused on that sound, that voice, trying harder, wanting desperately to know.

I heard her compliment our "father" for his generosity in adopting so many. I listened to the inane thoughts of the girl sitting next to her, felt her disappointment when Bella didn't show an interest in gossiping about us. And still I tried, tried to push into that beautiful head, but there was still nothing.

"Which one is _he_?" I heard my angel asked, and then I saw her point at me.

She pointed at me. She asked about me. She saw _me_.

In a room full of people, my angel, my goddess picked me out. Wanted to know more about me. Asked questions.

I couldn't help it. I turned and looked at her. Straight at her. I stared at her in a most impolite way. I drank in her features, her eyes, her lips, her hair. I tried to burn her into my memory. Tried to dive into her mind through her eyes.

And then she looked away, and I mourned the loss. I felt it in every inch of my body, my being. It was like she had torn herself away from me. And I could not hear her. Could not know what she was thinking.

My treacherous mind got the better of me, and I believed then that Alice's vision had been wrong. That my Bella would not be mine. That, perhaps, she did not, would not, could not want me. Because I, after all, am a vampire. And she is a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl with an entire life ahead of her. A life that I would not mar by my presence, my existence. A life I would not steep in death.

I straightened in my chair, solidifying my resolve even as Alice sent me a quelling look across the table. Even as Jasper eyed me with sympathy.

Isabella Swan's destiny was her own. Her life was her own.

Her mind was her own.

I would never burden her with my existence.

She would never be mine.

My Bella.

I wished, for the first time in my excruciatingly long existence, that I possessed the ability to cry.

**A/N: Thoughts? Feelings? I must confess, I'm suffering from a rather pronounced lack of motivation at present. I had considered ETS to be so well-received, and I suppose I just got used to the steady reviews. My last update for For There You Have Been left me rather bereft as far as reaction was concerned. It's difficult for me to want to write when I feel like nobody's reading it. Forgive me for whining, but that's just the way it feels.**

**I'm afraid FTYHB has lost a bit of fascination for me at present, and I'm enjoying exploring Edward's motives and feelings a bit more than I thought I would. This story will probably be receiving the bulk of the updates for the next few weeks. I'm not sure.**

**I'm in a crap mood right now. That probably isn't helping anything.**

**Anyway, you read it... now, please, click the green button and tell me what you thought.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

It took every ounce of self-control I possessed to attend my next class. Truly, the only benefit to Biology with Mr. Banner was that I had managed to avoid sharing a lab table. This is relatively common for my family. A benefit of looking alien. When we're out in the world, the human population tends to give us a rather wide berth. There is always the inevitable staring and whispering, but generally no direct human contact. It makes our continued existence in society much easier. The further they stay away, the less we have to worry.

I made it to class a bit faster than I should have and immediately took my seat at the table in the back, wishing, not for the first time, that I had never entered into this little charade. Life on my own was easier. I loved my family, but whenever we came together to live as a unit, life always became more complicated for me. And now, with this girl at the school... but no. I would not think about it.

Scowling, I forsook my normal posture and hunched over the table top, my eyes mapping every imperfection in the Formica. Trying to distract myself, I listened to the thoughts of the children as they filtered into the room in groups of twos and threes, chattering about the weather, the weekend, the new girl. That didn't help.

Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair, regretting my decision to come to class today, and then abruptly froze, nostrils flaring. There was a new scent in the air. Nothing like the student population. Nothing like what I had grown accustomed to in this classroom, this school, this town, this country, this planet. It was human, to be sure, but it was so much more than that. My mouth watered. My pupils dilated. This was something new. Something incredible.

"I'm Isabella Swan. It's my first day."

Oh no. Her. It's _her_.

Her voice was coming from the front of the room, but it carried over the din of the pre-class excitement and into my ears as though she was standing next to me. Clear as day and bright as a pealing bell, her voice called to me, and I knew that it was her that I was smelling. Unable to help myself, I inhaled deeply, tasting her on my tongue. It was appealing. So appealing. But not dangerous. Over the years, I've managed to desensitize myself to the scent of human blood. I was no threat to her. Not to her mortality, anyway.

"Ms. Swan, of course. I'm Mr. Banner, and welcome to Biology. We have one student without a lab partner, so you should even out our numbers rather nicely. Here is a textbook and a syllabus, and you will find your partner back there."

Of course. Of _course_. Of course he sat her with me. I was furious. My left hand gripped the side of the table and I felt a chunk of it give way under my fingers. That would not do. Hastily, I ground it to dust in the palm of my hand before placing both hands safely on the table in front of me. I am too old to be acting out of anger. Have I learned nothing?

The enticing smell came closer, and I looked up before I even knew what she was doing. And there she was. The angel. Only a handful of feet away from me and progressing down the aisle. Her gait seemed reluctant, and she appeared to be unhappy with the amount of eyes on her. She didn't seem to like the attention, the new girl. I could appreciate that. I wasn't a tremendous fan of attention myself.

Suddenly, her eyes met mine and my world collapsed. She looked so afraid of me. Terrified. Like a cornered little girl. So innocent and lost and...

My scowl deepened. I'm sure of it. How could she look at me like that? How could she look at me like I would hurt her? Of course I wouldn't hurt her. After all that I had seen, after the promises of Alice's future, my Bella was looking at me like...

She tripped. She lost her footing and she tripped. It was all I could do to stay in my seat, all I could do not to leap to her side and catch her, to protect her body from the cold linoleum of the classroom floor. I watched her as she went down, mourning the fact that I had to hide who I was to protect my family and our secrets. I had to save myself over her.

It was with deep guilt and self-loathing that I watched her tiny form crash onto the floor, furious that none of the students closer to her hadn't reached out to prevent her fall. It took a rather pronounced noise to the side of me to draw my attention away from her, and I realized, with much chagrin, that the eyes of the class were no longer on Bella, but on me. Something had happened. And I had been staring at her so hard that I missed it.

Quickly, I reached into the closest mind, listening to Mike Newton as he wondered about how I hadn't yelled in pain. Pain. I was supposed to have hurt myself. I looked around quickly, trying to work out what had happened. There was a book on the floor next to me. A book that Bella had been carrying as she fell. Perhaps... I jumped into Mr. Banner's mind as he approached Bella where she lay on the floor. I saw him replay the incident to himself, trying to work out if anyone could be seriously injured. Yes. The book had hit me.

Satisfied that I could successfully play human in this situation, I shifted my focus back to Bella where she lay on the floor. She was looking at me again. She looked mortified. Curious, I tried once more to reach into her thoughts, but, again, I was met with silence. It was frustrating. Unbelievably frustrating.

Mr. Banner started talking to us and I told him what he wanted to hear, my eyes never leaving Bella's. Had she hurt herself? Was she in pain? Her gaze became more intense, and I looked away, realizing that I was being rude. There she was, lying on the classroom floor, and I was staring at her just like everyone else. There was no excuse for it, really.

But then Banner said something about her hurting her hand, and my focus was drawn back to her again. She _had_ hurt herself. And it was my fault. She had been afraid of me. No doubt, she had thought my irate expression had been because of her. Perhaps she even thought that I hated her. She had been afraid of me and she had tripped. She had been distracted by me and she tripped. And now she was clutching her wrist to her chest, her brown eyes wide with embarrassment, her hair wild as it framed her face, and I was staring at her just like everyone else.

But she was... in that moment... she was just so beautiful. More so than before in the cafeteria. More so than in Alice's visions. With her cheeks flushed and her chest heaving as she fought to catch her breath from the fall. And I could hear her heart beating rapidly against her ribs. And her smell. That amazing smell. It was washing over me, flooding my senses. She drew her lower lip between her teeth and I could have died again, right there, from the sheer innocence of it. She was amazing. She was incredible she was... apparently being escorted to the infirmary by me.

I looked around. I was standing in the hallway with Bella and the teacher. How did that happen? Had I consented to this? When did we even leave the room? I glanced at Mr. Banner's retreating form as he made his way back into the classroom. Apparently it was a done deal. It was just as well. I needed to get out of here. Needed to clear my mind.

I looked at Bella and she looked back at me. She opened her mouth to speak, and I tensed, waiting for her to reject my presence, to tell me to go away and never come back. She had regarded me before with such fear, such panic... there was no way that my presence now would be acceptable to her. She was injured. She was vulnerable.

"I'm... I'm sorry," she told the floor between us, her voice like warm fingers on my spine. "I hope you're not hurt."

She was apologizing to me? But it was my fault. I made her fall. My presence. My unnatural presence. I wanted to smile at the absurdity of her contrition. Wanted to laugh with joy because her apology meant that she _didn't_ hate me. She didn't rue my presence. But I came back down to earth with a crash and spun away from her instead, moving swiftly out of the building and towards the parking lot.

I had to get out of here.


End file.
